-- News Flash --

Vatican City: A Fragile and ailing Pope thrust the world into complete astonishment today as he announced unexpectedly that he was abdicating the papal throne because he wanted, as he said, unlike any pope except possibly John XXIII (the other one) to die with a clear conscience. "I am old and infirm", he said, "and my time is almost ended. I must make ammends as I can."

There were audible gasps in the room as he explained reasons further. The pontiff said he was tired and no longer had the strength to deal with the collection of assorted lies and nonsense that he was supposed to deal with, even to support and propagate and that the knowledge of the true nature of the church and the history of its activities weighed heavily on him. He told how in these very late years he had finally developed a spiritual sense, one that told him that people understand their own spiritual lives better than cannon law did. His epiphany occurred late one night as he sat reading Aquinas, as he had often done in the past to put himself to sleep. "Suddenly!", he said, his voice rising with anxiety, "I realized in a flash of understanding that I was not looking for - suddenly I knew all of Aquinas to be psychotic gibberish about nothing! The man was an overeducated dolt! Imagine my shock."

He admitted that the entire bible that was cobbled together in the fourth century was a complete hoax, that including the Old Testament was simply a bad joke with political motivations and the perfect excuse to back up the fabricated New Testament. He told that Jesus was nothing but a fiction, a fabrication that sounded deliciously pompous as all the millennia old ethical platitudes need only be repeated, but who was really constructed from mithraic mysteries and various other cults of the day, and of convenience. He apologized for the plagiarism, and suggested that perhaps Jews also would finally admit their similar crimes and at very least confess the fictions and thefts from other cultures with no attribution, and that events like the Exodus were simply turned about fictions wrought of whining and overweaning arrogance.

"It is not that God is dead", he said. "It's that he, she or it - mostly he, is a complete fiction invented by seekers of power to use their manipulative mumbo jumbo to frighten people as if they were simple minded children. Of course we are united with governments and are very useful to them, as they are to us. They have all the weaponry and military force, and we have just the right scare tactics, the fecalators, you might say." A small chortle at his own inventiveness escaped from him.

"Which is scarier? Having your life threatened with some lethal weapon, or being threatened with an eternity of being tortured unmercifully by some particularly odious, omniinventive god? You can figure that out fast enough."

"We dissolve this soul rotting poison in honey of course. Otherwise, who in their right mind would buy it? That brings me to a related point. We certainly don't want them in their right mind to begin with. Maybe even more importantly, our carefully crafted techniques kill any right mind they may have, and that makes any real spiritual life they might develop impossible. It's actually rather clever. By cutting off their spiritual nature we take away their freedom entirely. After enslaving the spirit, enslaving mind and body are trivial problems - mere and simple corollaries, accomplished with the application of brute force by our friendly government allies."

He admitted the raucous laughter long heard behind closed doors in the Vatican was the result of how well the church had managed to hide what he called its "ill advised pious jests", making especially contrite remarks concerning the fraud of the Donation of Constantine, and a host of genocides, mass murders and all the witch trials, regicides and complicity in the various murders of a number of world leaders spanning 15 centuries. He spoke of Galileo, Kepler and even chokingly of Bruno.

He apologized further to all Moslems for the crusades which after all were really about grand theft, but also most importantly about destroying their then scholarly culture that had kept the knowledge of antiquity that put the lie to all of the Biblical historicity that the church fathers voted into existence at the Councils of Nicea. He cried visibly, and his voice cracked with sorrow as he recounted the layer upon layer of multiplicities of lies, crimes and coverups.

Though there were none left alive, he apologized to the Kathari whose genocide the church successfully sought. He apologized to what are left of the Sephardim, true Jews of Spain for the church having murdered them, particularly apologizing for Torquemada.

He also apologized to all Templars, acknowledging that while they had been rather naughtily engaged in blackmailing the church after they found proof of all the hoaxes in the Stables of Solomon, that this was all in good fun and well within the precepts of the church. The Templars, he conceded, may have had it coming for their lack of humility, but he also said that perhaps roasting alive on a spit in public might have lacked a sense of spiritual taste and decorum. He admitted that all those wild rumors about them killing babies and drinking their blood were complete lies, that it was really the church hierarchy partying with certain well known and wealthy rabbi bankers that enjoyed these particular pleasures, and that the same lies were resurrected again and used against the Freemasons. They thought it remarkably hilarious to accuse the innocent of their own vices, and get away with that.

Yes, the church had also invented the Bavarian Illuminati through the Jesuits, not that this particular admission was any great surprise.

Apparently, feeling that he had much to apologize for in the name of Holy Mother Church he spoke, sometimes mumbling and gesticulating, for all of ten hours, before it was ended.

He apologized for the ravings of Thomas "The Fruitcake" Aquinas, the destroyer of logics, that what the church pretended in jest, and much to its own advantage, was philosophy. He acknowledged the Aquinist infection of many later, similarly bogus philosophers like Kant and Hegel whose contradictory impenetrability similarly gave the impression that their philosophy was so brilliantly deep that it was no wonder that ordinary mortals found it impossible.

The Pope laughed out loud. "Age of Reason? Age of Enlightenment? Look around you! Are they not sport, illusions, infamous jests? Do you see reason - enlightenment? Pay attention. Ahh - but truly paying attention is a spiritual matter, and that has been taken from you and destroyed in you. The completely obvious escapes you. Why? Because we have conditioned generation after generation to believe in the absurd, in rubbish, causing them to rationalize the absurd and so destroy their own rationality. You have no ability left to know anything from anything. Dogs know more of spirituality. We have created in these millennia a world of manipulable psychotics who believe what they are told as their realities change from day to day, and believe because they are told what to believe. Ideas of reasonable and rational and even of real are for them transdended."

"Historians, sociologists and psychologists often speak of the 'Medieval Mind'. Look around you and see what is, rather than what you are told to see. This is The Church's legacy."

"Your very beings have been turned into cesspools - but, of course, very useful cesspools. This is not only our handiwork, it is our purpose. This is not only our handiwork, it is also the purpose of any government. Governments join with us simply because our way is easier, and far more effective. The Church exists to do this, and it always has. The Church exists for its own sake."

The spiritual leader was silent for a while, contemplating what he had said. He then expressed sorrow and remorse for "all that CIA and Nazi business - Operation Paperclip, ...", as his fragile body shook as if in a shudder of disgust. No one present had the heart to tear specifics from him, seeing him in such agony.

Within this vast torrent of confession, that would have made Francis of Assisi blush, he became alternately wild with zeal for truth and his own personal catharsis, and crushed in his anguish, his guilt and shame over the continuous crimes of the church of which he was the infalible leader. "All this", he said, "was about empire, and theft - empire maximizing theft. It was about empire from the very begining. All thought that this was born and concieved for Constantine, but the church fathers had no intention of simply giving Constantine his empire in return for setting up some minor cult." Did we think the church fathers were stupid? - he asked. "Crazy, yes. Criminal, yes Inhuman, yes - but stupid, no."

The Curia was quite simply, and naturally furious at these unending revelations, and one or two finally attempted to throttle the old man, but were quickly dissuaded from further attempts when gently tapped with cattle prods by several Swiss guards - who perhaps fortunately did not understand a word the Pope was saying.

After several hours, the shaken priest stood silent for a few minutes, and it was then that a lone voice asked him about Vatican banking. The weary pontifical eyes then flashed and his thin body lurched into a state of alertness. "Yes!", he growled with more force than he seemed capable of.

Three of the Curia fainting at this, collapsed and had to be carried from the room. Two more began retching and choking, one delivering himself of a rather rich and expensive lunch obviously heavily laced with altar wine, and a large collection of small white wafers. A pious diet, perhaps.

His Holiness continued, "We are bankers to the world! Jesus saves, and the Vatican invests. We have been investing for centuries!"

"From where," he asked with sardonic cackle, "do you think the money comes to keep me in all of this monstrous shrine to pure iniquity?!" His arms flew around in mad gesticulating circles as he almost piroueted in positively Papal impatience. His voice lowered as he looked up from red, hooded eyes, smiling again as would frighten a child. "We of Mother Church do not exactly go about begging in the streets, you know. Have you seen such a thing? I think not."

"We are heavily invested in this, and in that, all over the world, even in condom and dildo factories. Spare me your ironies! Best of all, we pay no taxes - to anyone! That is because we are also heavily invested in governments and assist in their games of espionage and various other black operations. Murder and genocide are no strangers to the Vatican. We are The Church! We are everywhere, and have been everywhere for 2000 years!" A thundercrack of an afternoon storm punctuated this last dramatic turn.

The priest's voice took on an exultant tone as he spoke these words, but it was an exultation that induced dread rather than joy, and such was obviously his intent.

Someone then mentioned usury. "Usury, Schmusery", said the pope. "Do as we say, not as we do! It is a pious thing when the intention is for the greater glory of God, is it not?!" "Besides", he said with measure and more quietly, "we have our bankers to operate at a distance for us. Banking, insurance, securities - every certain instrument of connivance and theft ever known or invented. We have had considerable practice, and two millennia in which to practice. Yes?" It was a lamely attempted quip.

"We've known very well the bankers to hire for all this time. They are stil ours, and we are still theirs. Who knows who we engage? The church can hide anything it chooses to hide, and it chooses to hide everything, even the rampant molestations of little children."

The Pope, after this lengthy act of contrition and unresolved penance, looked younger and more energetic, even, one might say to be possessed of beatific glow. His smile was finally one of love and serenity, of truth and understanding, having lost its aspect of contorted grimace, having lost its sardonic quality.

He then began to propose what he called a twelve point program for making restitution by distributing the church's astronomical wealth and making restitution as best possible by turning the Vatican into a museum, even restoring all the penises that Pope Pius IX had chisled off all the exquiste Vatican statuary, works of Michelangelo and Bernini among others.

He would open up the secret archives of the Vatican library to reveal all the secrets and systematically cataloged evidence of its atrocities and lies.

As he announced this last point, and all eyes were riveted on his calm and now elegant being, apparently no one saw the Uzzis that three Curia members drew from the splendid and voluminous robes that hid their corpulence, like tents.

The simultaneous streams of lead that suddenly ripped into the poor man's body caused it to jangle and start like a deranged puppet as blood sprayed in all directions. Within seconds, where the pope had just stood, there was a tattered corpse covered with blood as if it were some crimson and festive sauce for some strange and foreign pudding.

The three livid and bug eyed cardinals were soon overpowered by several Swiss guards and taken from the room. Before their exits however, a curious sight occurred. From each of their mouths were seen strangely long tendril like tongues that darted out and back with amazing rapidity, as if they were intent on somehow snatching summer flies from the incense thick air of the Papal apartments for a snack.

Xenon Kinchiltun, at the Vatican


Top of Page (TOC)

Email me, Bill Hammel at
            © August 2003 by Bill Hammel (bhammel@graham.main.nc.us).
            Permission to use for any noncommercial, educational purpose.
            This copyright and permission notice must appear in all copies.
            Permission is also granted to refer to or describe these
            documents in commercial books, products, or online services.
            These documents may be freely reproduced, copied and disseminated
            by any electronic, digital or written means, but in no case may
            such copying or dissemination be charged for.  The idea is very
            simple, no person or body has supported any of the original
            works contained in this pages.  They are works of love given
            freely.  I find repugnant the idea of someone expropriating,
            for profit, what I give freely.  If you have a problem with
            this, ask; rules always have exceptions.

The URL for this document is:
Created: September 11, 2004
Last Updated: April 4, 2005
Last Updated: January 9, 2006